I realize that I'm a different animal when it comes to speaking my mind as a woman, especially where it concerns men and my relationships. To me, anything goes, while for you, it may be a much different story that paints a very different picture.
Alana expressed concern to me recently that certain men may have the propensity to lash out and may even resort to being dangerous and violent when they feel they are being cornered in a confrontation or dispute.
And confronting a man's porn addiction may very well make a man feel that he is being cornered. A man being caught red-handed abusing porn will always give him feelings of guilt and unease.
The truth is, you just don't know when a man may be close to his breaking point. I told Alana that many of these men are basically quasi eunuchs and are mostly harmless (many have never even in any type of physical altercation before in their lives) because they are so depleted of testosterone in being addicts–but you can't rely on these assumptions when it may be possible they could resort to violence.
Here's how you can tell if a man may be close to snapping or lashing out (in any case whether it's due to you confronting his porn addiction or otherwise):
- History of violent outbursts and behavior
- Anger management issues
- Unwarranted hostility towards others regardless of being provoked
- Is and has been violent or physically abusive with you in the past
- Has expressed on more than one occasion that he wishes to exact deadly violence on others (I could have stabbed that guy in the throat)
- Has unpredictably violent mood swings
- Has a history of alcohol and hard substance abuse especially if he's been in trouble with the law
- Has a criminal record in which he has been tried and convicted of violence
If any of the above apply to your situation in being involved with a porn addict, and you haven't yet confronted him, we highly caution you in how you choose to address this issue...
- Tell your friends and family that you plan to intervene and have this discussion with your partner and you feel concerned that your safety may be at risk.
- Bring a stronger male figure with you if you plan to leave and gather your belongings. Perhaps even a police escort if you believe this could be a dangerous situation.
- Speak to a professional who specializes in sex addiction (and NOT just any garden variety mental health professional because chances are they will shame you instead of providing you with the help you need).
- Plan for a time when you're physically away from him and you can have a phone call or FaceTime him and confront the addiction, and/or you can do it in a public place with many people around (which can be a deterrent against violent outbursts).
Also, I realize it seems empowering and even fun to change the trajectory of a man's life and his porn use using our strategic methods, but again, if you feel that your life, safety and well-being may be at risk, just leave.
Find a way to get to safe place and go. No jeering, no long goodbye speeches, no getting in the verbal sparring ring with him and matching wits. Just leave as soon as possible.
However, I can personally attest to the fact that having been in a relationship with a physically abusive man when I was a young woman, you will likely not a get a clean break.
My ex harassed and stalked me for months after I ended it. And I had to get an order of protection against him and he went to jail.
There is a time and place to confront the porn addict and if at any time you have been faced with any of the above in situations of violence, you must plan more carefully and be much wiser in leaving peacefully.
I will again reiterate that many porn addicts are mostly passive in the extreme and are simply unable to be aggressive due to testosterone depletion. But always, ALWAYS take the necessary steps and be prudent in bringing this problem to the forefront in your relationship.
Again, you don't have to say anything to him, you can just leave. And if you feel you do need to clear the air and say your peace, you may do so from a distance. Write him an email. Send a handwritten letter. Have a phone call once the dust has settled. Have a good cry and talk to him next week at the coffee shop instead of hashing it out today.
Your safety is paramount and no man is worth the risk. Remain cautious and always use your better judgment.
Love,
Jenny
